I’m hearing little grunting noises from the swing, which means the baby is waking up. But I should have a few minutes before he really starts wailing…
Yesterday Ash and I took our first bath in the big tub together. It was so fun, he loved it. I would just hold his head up and let him float around on his back. He would get all excited and smile and then he would sort of take a deep breath and relax. That was probably the most productive thing I did all day yesterday, but I set out to have just that kind of day. Tay was gone for the day, so it was just the two of us.
We took our first day trip on Saturday down to Santa Barbara for a friends’ baby shower. Ash was great, but once we got home he was all wound up and wouldn’t fall asleep. Tay finally took him for a drive around 2 a.m. which did the trick and we all slept until 7:30. I panicked when we woke up and it was light out, thinking something must have happened to Ash. And when I saw his chest rising, I just blew him a hundred kisses and snuggled up to Tay for a little more sleep.
I can’t believe how quickly a day passes recently. I’m sure much of this has to do with the later mornings… I’m not used to getting out of bed at 9 or even 8, and even once I’ve gotten out of bed, there’s still so much more to do before I can face the day. I feel like I’m living parts of the same day over and over again.
I’ve been fitting in little cheater yoga practices here and there. I say they’re cheaters because the baby is with me, and I’m not really focused or present. Then again, even when Tay is with the baby and I’m downstairs in my studio, I constantly think I can hear him crying, so I’m not really all that present then either. I wonder if it will always be this way at least a little bit since there is now this new priority that trumps all other priorities in my life…
Anxiety taints almost everything I do now. Maybe it’s part of being a first time parent, but I constantly feel like there’s something else I should be doing that I’m forgetting. Or I’m watching the clock worrying about feeding times. Or maybe it is a part of the exhaustion?
For a while there I was thinking that maybe I was getting enough sleep because I haven’t been feeling “that” tired. But today it dawned on me that I’ve just grown accustomed to some level of exhaustion. I haven’t had an 8 hour stretch of sleep since December 16th, the night before the abruption. Even in the hospital before Ash was born, they would wake me up once or twice a night to check my vitals. I never quite understood that.
Anyways, things are about to get much worse, where exhaustion is concerned. Tay is leaving today for two nights. Since Ash is the most inefficient breastfeeder in the world, we have a system at night wherein Tay feeds him with a bottle of breastmilk and then changes him and puts him back to bed while I pump. The whole thing takes about 35 to 40 minutes. But tonight and tomorrow night, I’ll be feeding him and changing him. I just hope he sleeps and lets me sleep.