My instructors have made it back safely from India.
I couldn’t be happier. But with them came this nagging inside me. The ugly monster. The grasping. The attachment.
I want a new pose.
There. I said it. And I won’t apologize. It’s how I feel. I can’t help it.
Not quite sure where these feelings came from. A month ago, I could care less. No, really, I mean it! I was perfectly pleased with my practice. Full Primary was just enough. I had my backbends, after all. Who could ask for anything more?
Now, I feel it creeping in. A conversation with two friends after an out of town practice: “If you were working with an instructor every day, with your strength and flexibility, you’d be well into second series right now.”
Well, I doubt that. There were the knee issues of course. (but perhaps with an instructor there never would have been the knee issues). But, that one little comment, a harmless comment, a mere compliment perhaps, given out of kindness maybe (or even pity)… planted a seed.
So as I drove down to Santa Barbara on Sunday, my mind started to wander. I thought about Pasasana.
Maybe I’ll get it! How cool would that be? I think I’m ready…. Let’s see… the checklist.
Binding in Mari D on my own? Check.
On both sides? Check.
Bhujapidasana, no touching down? Check.
Kurmasana, sternum on the ground? Check.
Kurmasana, heels lifted? Check…. if the left hamstring is nice and warm.
Supta Kurmasana, bound? Check.
Garba Pindasana? With spray bottle in self practice. Spray bottle not necessary in humid shalas.
Chin on the ground in Baddha Konasana? Check. This is a fairly new one for me. Yay!
Sternum to the floor in Uppavishta Konasana? Check.
Standing up from a backbend? CHECK.
So what’s next?
Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme…
Ew. I just can’t seem to stop myself.
So did I get it? No, of course not.
I drank too much coffee on the drive down. The new(ish) car makes quite a difference in my Santa Barbara practice. I cannot extoll strongly enough the virtues of seat heaters while driving long distances before practicing Primary Series. Opens those hamstrings right up, baby. So anyways. Back to the caffeine shakes.
Unfortunately, my practice was almost completely in-sync with another guy next to me. So even though he has the boat in Vancouver and the vacation house in Upstate Washington, he was also lucky enough to get all the good adjustments. Well, not all of them, I suppose. I did get a good twist assist in Mari D. But he got the Supta K adjustment. I was hoping for help into Dwi Pada as I’ve noticed that the only time my left shoulder doesn’t hurt in this pose is if I bind my hands first before crossing my feet. But if I don’t use my hands to cross my feet, I can’t…. well… I can’t cross my feet without my hands.
I guess I can, but they’d be in front of my head instead of on top of or behind. Not as comfy. The rich guy with the boat and the first home in SB and the second home in Puget Sound next to me got my adjustment. Hmph. Well, he is a nice guy. And I’ve practiced next to him before. I guess I like him. But still….
After my third urdva dhanurasana, I stood up. And got some help with my dropbacks. Just a little pull on my hips to really let me open up my upper back and shoulders. I felt drained and shaky from the get-go. But I hung in there the best I could.
I walked my hands in to my ankles on my last drop back, spent 5 near-hysteria filled breaths trying desperately to grasp at my heels, then stood up. Then we did something we’ve never done before together. I’ve done it with other instructors, but for some reason, never my own. Assisted dropbacks. So what could this mean? Pasasana soon?
Aparigraha. C’mon girl. Grasp not at what you do not have. Let it go.
After backbends, the squish. Okay. I’ll be honest. I hate the squish. Really. I just don’t like it. It’s not that it doesn’t feel good in my back. But I get extremely claustrophobic down there sucking in my prana pants with ever inhale. I tried to cheat by leaving my legs open a bit, but he caught me. “Legs together.” Rats. Damn it. “Free breathing,” he urged. I gasped and panted for air. And, after a few kinda deep breaths, it only got worse. The fear gripped at me.
I panic more during the squish then I do when he grabs my hands and pulls them up higher on my ankles in my last backbend.
Phobias. They’re tough things to get over.
In good news (as far as phobias are concerned), I think all the gardening is allowing me to get past my fear of spiders. Almost. I saw a black widow today and thought: “Hmm. A black widow is living under my garden hose.” And instead of never watering my plants again, I got past it. On the other hand, at lunch today a tiny little spider landed on me and crawled down my arm. I jumped up, screaming and kicking. I nearly spilled my wine. I nearly lost my appetite. I gagged a bit.
Baby steps with the spiders. Baby steps.
And with the squish. Back down to SB next weekend, so we’ll try it again.
Maybe he’ll give me Pasasana!
whooooah….. down girl.